I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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