His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
