Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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