My liver just broke up with me...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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