I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
