she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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