i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
