Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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