So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
This house was built for laser tag.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
