I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
