I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
