Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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