He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I supernannyed him into submission
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
