His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
