so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
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I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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