This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
