You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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