just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Your penis caused this!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
