My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
