I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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