I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
