no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
im holly from the hills drunk
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
