if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
too bad you live with your parents still
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
