Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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