I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
