I just threw up on my dentist
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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