I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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