We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
