so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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