He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
