Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
