So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize