Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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