Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
