yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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