Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The uberlube is also flammable
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
