Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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