I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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