I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
