Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
