yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
