everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
