I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
