Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
