My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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