He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He felt like a one man threesome
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
