i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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