I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
