Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
