I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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