meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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