Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
