You can't special order awesome
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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