I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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