I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
