The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
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He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize