we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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