thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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