When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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