I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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