lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
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He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
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do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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